


The Great Misunderstanding

by Aida



Category: Cabin Pressure, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Friendly Smaug, Gen, Human Smaug, Humor, I made Carolyn and Arthur rats, Martin "Smaug" Crieff, Misunderstandings, Smaug isn't Sherlock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bilbo slipped inside Erebor, he wasn't quite expecting Smaug to be quite like this. He didn't expect him to be able to turn human. Didn't expect him to be friendly. And he certainly didn't expect him to have tea.</p>
<p>Turns out Smaug isn't really a bad guy, after all.</p>
<p>(An AU in which Martin Crieff is Smaug, the crew of MJN are his little friends, and the desolation of Erebor and the events that followed were all just one big misunderstanding.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Into the Deep

**Author's Note:**

> On Tumblr some time ago, I had an idea that, instead of Smauglock (where Smaug was Sherlock as a dragon), that there was Smaug Pressure, where Smaug was more like Martin Crieff. So, I decided to make a fic out of it. 
> 
> As the tags state, this is CRACK! I know Smaug is a terrible, evil beast. This is just a fun idea.

It started rather easy enough. Well, easy enough for a hobbit sneaking into a mountain unseen and unheard by the dragon that slept inside. It was slow going, since he was stumbling around in a large, dark hallway while trying to creep along as quietly as possible. His ring helped, making him invisible, and though his vision was hazy because of it, he at least didn’t have to worry about a large, fire-breathing beast seeing him.

He just had to remind himself of what he had to do: Go in, look around, grab something, and then head right back out. He wasn’t supposed to dilly-dally or poke around too much. Just do those simple things and be done with it. 

He was so focused on his job that he didn’t know someone had arrived to greet him until he heard a high-pitched squeak at his feet. When he looked down, he had to fight off a rather girlish scream.

A large, fat, big-eared rat sat there before him; its nose and ears twitching furiously as it looked up at the hobbit. Its fur was a shiny brown color, though its tail, nose and ears were a light, hairless pink. 

“A-Ah…” Bilbo breathed, twitching his big toe as subtly as possible. “Go on. Shoo. Shoo!”

The rat didn’t run off, however. Instead, it got up on its hind legs and stretched its little paws in front of him. Bilbo thought he lost his mind, for a moment, since it looked like the large rat was _waving_ at him. When those little paws touched his foot, he had to fight the urge to kick. The rat then proceeded to sniff at his furry feet, paws rifling through the hairs, and Bilbo bit his lips to stifle his horrified giggles. Eventually, the rat seemed to have got its fill, for it stepped back a bit before circling his feet rather quickly, as if excited. 

“What are you…? No. No, this isn’t what I meant!” Bilbo hissed. “Go away! Go to your family, or… whatever. Just go!”

The rat stopped its circling and scampered off down the hall. The hall that Bilbo had to walk down himself. There were more squeaks, much louder than the earlier one, and Bilbo pressed on, belatedly realizing that it seemed like the rat was trying to lead him into the mountain. He tried to ignore it, more focused on avoiding the dragon than he was on a rat that seemed to somehow have intelligence. Which was a ridiculous notion altogether.

Eventually, Bilbo reached the end of the hall where it opened up to a vast room filled with literal mountains of treasure. Most was gold, it seemed, but he also saw the odd glint from gems and silver, though the silver could be mithril, he realized belatedly, since it was so bright in color. The entire room seemed to glow from the vast amounts of precious metals, even though there was hardly any light. It made Bilbo feel small, smaller than he was used to, anyway.

There was more squeaking, and Bilbo saw a rat (though he had a feeling it was the same rat that met him in the hallway) scamper through a narrow path made in the treasure. Bilbo decided to ignore the rat, and the treasure (for the moment), and took a precursory look around for any sign of the big, scaly creature that was supposed to be lying about in its hoard. He didn’t see anything, but he still crept along as carefully as he could, thinking that it could be hiding in one of the vast piles somewhere. 

He should have been moving swiftly, but the lack of fiery beasts made him less wary, so he found himself taking his time to look around, head swiveling about as he tried to process and absorb all that was around him. Confident that the beast was off somewhere, or so deep in sleep that it was dead to the world, he slipped off his ring and put it back into his pocket. He was so lost in thought that, as he paused to pick up a gem-encrusted chalice, he didn’t notice the large figure looming over him.

“ _You’re not a dwarf._ ”

Bilbo squawked and flailed, heart hammering in shock as he spun around. He froze then, his whole body going cold as he saw it. Large and fearsome, with glistening red scales, glowing yellow eyes, and an underbelly completely encrusted with gold and jewels. 

It was Smaug. 

He did what came naturally to him: He bolted.

He weaved around the treasure mounds, scooping up the chalice as an afterthought, barely able to stay on his feet as the entire mountain seemed to quake with each movement of the giant beast.

“ _No! No, wait! Stop! I didn’t mean to-! Oh,_ please, _would you-! Augh!_ ”

Before he could even get close to the hall in which he got in, there was a bright flash of golden light, and Bilbo halted, flinching as flames danced around him. Heat focused at his one side, and he hissed when it focused moreso on his hair. 

“Wait!”

The flames had died down, and warily, Bilbo opened his eyes and looked towards the source of this voice, similar to that of the dragon, but not as deep. Or loud, for that matter.

Instead of a fearsome, fire-breathing dragon standing before him, there was a man. He wasn’t as tall as most men, and he seemed incredibly thin and pale compared to the men in Lake Town. He was dressed in old, dust-covered robes that were a deep blue in color, thought they clearly weren’t his, since they hung off the man, and it exposed a good portion of one of his shoulders.

But Bilbo knew that he wasn’t an ordinary man, for his hair was as red as those dragon’s scales, and his eyes the same, terrifying yellow.

It seemed dragons were indeed magical, since Smaug had apparently turned into a man before Bilbo’s very eyes.

“I’m sorry I startled-… Oh _no_!”

Bilbo immediately stiffened as the man strode over to him and quickly got down onto his knees, and flinched at the first touch of surprisingly warm hands on his shoulder and in his hair. He winced a little as fingers, though gentle and slow, pulled and tugged at what had remained from the fire. 

“Oh, I _knew_ I shouldn’t have done that so close! I’m terribly sorry about this.” The man said, and Bilbo felt himself ease a little, for this Smaug incarnate wasn’t trying to kill him. “Are you alright? I didn’t… hurt you, did I?”

Bilbo finally opened his eyes, and he felt his face heat at the closeness. His eyes weren’t that bright, glowing yellow, anymore. Rather, there were a warm, honey brown, almost like amber. His brows were furrowed deeply with concern, lips pressed into a thin line.

“N-No…” He muttered, reflexively reaching up to touch his own singed curls. “I just… I might be a bit lopsided now…”

The man let out a deep breath of relief. “Oh, thank goodness for that. I-I mean, not about your hair, _that’s_ still bad. But the fact that you’re not burned or anything. That’s… that’s good.” He stuttered, hands flailing about. “I… I do apologize for startling you, though. I didn’t mean to. I should know better than to surprise people, but I haven’t had any guests in _ages_! The only other creatures here are Douglas, Carolyn, and little Arthur.”

Bilbo blinked owlishly at his words, for he never heard of those names before. “Who?”

The man opened his mouth to speak, but instead of words, he let out a startled squawk of his own. Bilbo bit his lip, giggling despite himself, even as they both turned to see the same rat that Bilbo saw in the hall.

“Oh, Arthur!” The man chastised and Bilbo blinked at the man in shock. _The rat_ was Arthur? “You should know better than to startle me!”

The rat merely sniffed at him, crawling up his robes until the man cupped the large rat in his equally large hands and urged it onto his shoulder. 

“This is Arthur.” The man introduced, grinning awkwardly at Bilbo. “You can see what I mean, now.”

“I suppose…” Bilbo murmured. “But… Arthur?”

“Well, there’s only so many times you can name a rat ‘Argol’ and ‘Burdith’ before you get creative.” The man explained, leaning his shoulder towards Bilbo, who leaned back as Arthur the rat was shoved into his face. “He’s Carolyn’s son. Don’t worry, he’s rather sweet… though a bit slow…”

Arthur reached towards Bilbo, similar to what he did in the cave, and Bilbo hesitantly stretched a finger to the rat, feeling his lips twitch upward as the rat grabbed his finger and sniffed at it. He felt brave, and he couldn’t help but gently stroke the rat’s head, snorting lightly when it chittered pleasantly. He never pictured himself petting a rat, but Arthur seemed rather clean, and surprisingly friendly. The man grinned at Bilbo warmly, and Bilbo felt his own lips stretch into the same expression. That was when the man blinked and gasped, straightening slightly.

“Oh, my manners!” He hissed. “Forgive me. You know Arthur, but you don’t know me! I am Smaug, Self-Appointed Guard of Lonely Mountain. And you?”

Bilbo had a feeling he was right, and that the man before him was Smaug the Terrible, but it was almost impossible. For the stories he heard seemed unfathomable now that Smaug was here, right in front of him, and being incredibly polite, though also incredibly awkward.

“Er, I’m Bilbo, a hobbit.” He replied. “Did you just say Guard? I thought you were a dragon and that this was your mighty hoard.”

He watched as Smaug’s face scrunched up, even as it also flushed a little. “I am a dragon, but this isn’t my hoard. I’m keeping watch over it until… well, it’s a long, very complicated story…” He answered. “But the dwarves who lived here left after… well, an _incident_ , and I’m awaiting their return.”

“Really?” Bilbo breathed, shocked and wary. “You didn’t… you didn’t come here to hoard the gold?”

“No! Oh, goodness, absolutely not!” Smaug protested, getting up on his feet. “I have other interests besides _gold_! Sure, others of my kind have liked gold, and hoarded it plenty, but to me it’s rather… pointless.”

With that, Smaug kicked a stray gold coin, frowning as it only moved a hair. 

“But this story isn’t told best in this place. At least, not without something to eat or drink.” Smaug stated. “Would you like to have some tea? I believe there’s still some here that’s good. And I made biscuits the other day from the things that the townspeople gifted to me as ‘an offering’.”

“Offering?”

“Part of the story, really.” Smaug cut in, waving a hand. “Anyway, would you?”

Bilbo should’ve said no. It was the wise thing to do, after all. But he hadn’t had a decent cup of tea since he left the Shire, and he was rather desperate.

“Yes, _please_.” 

“Fantastic!” Smaug cheered. “Oh, this is lovely! I’ve never entertained someone before! Arthur, you better tell Carolyn and Douglas. We have a _guest_!”


	2. Explanations Over Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are explained, and the biscuits are stale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Smaug Crieff. Trying to include some Cabin Pressure goodies in this chapter. Can you pick them out?

Before actually having any tea and biscuits, Smaug took Bilbo on a small, rather quick tour of the mountain. The hobbit thought he couldn’t be anymore surprised, and probably should’ve expected such things, but he still was. For the mountain looked practically _pristine_. Sure, there was tattered drapery (“You’d be surprised how hard it is to try and get replacements”) and some scorch marks (“stubborn things! No matter how hard I scrub, they don’t go away!”), but other than that, it was in remarkable condition. Not at all like the crumbled remains that the company had told him to probably expect. The dragon took care of the place.

He really did seem more like a guard, and less of a treasure hoarder. 

Eventually, Smaug took him to small set of living quarters, complete with a bedroom, sitting room, and a kitchen. 

“I don’t think they belonged to the King, nor any member of the royal family. If they did, I’ll have to apologize.” Smaug had told him. “I’m sure I found them, though. Much more elaborate than this.”

He guided Bilbo to sit at a small, surprisingly sturdy table, and he immediately began bustling around the kitchen. Arthur, the chubby rat, scuttled off towards a small crack in the wall, leaving Bilbo to watch as Smaug made tea and made a plate of biscuits, cured meat, and some cheese.

“More offerings.” Smaug explained as he set the plate down. “I completely forgot I still had them! They should still be good.”

And they certainly were, even though the biscuits tasted rather stale, and the meat had a hair too much salt. 

“What are the offerings for?” Bilbo asked curiously as Smaug re-entered with a tea set. 

The larger man let out a deep sigh. “People tend to think that if they give something to someone, they won’t come to harm. Even if the thing they’re giving the things to is already harmless.” He explained. “After my first few attempts to approach the residents of the town on the water failed, they started giving me things to urge me to keep away. And, well… I stopped bothering them…”

Bilbo frowned, for Smaug seemed rather saddened by that. If all that he was saying was true, then Smaug just wished to explain his circumstances and was attacked because of it. Though, Bilbo reasoned that it was probably due to the fact that he tried approaching them as a dragon. Which begged a certain question.

“Did you approach them as a dragon?” He asked first, as Smaug nodded, serving the tea. “Did you think that it would be better if you approached them like… well, this…”

He gestured to Smaug and his current state, and the man flushed brightly.

“Well, I did. I tried. But it’s difficult to travel like this. I’m very weak in this state.” He explained. “That, and it takes a while to for me to regenerate my power. Changing one’s shape takes a lot of energy, after all…”

Smaug then handed Bilbo a steaming cup to wonderfully fragrant tea. “I apologize for not offering cream or sugar. To be honest, I currently don’t have any.” He explained, tucking his robes closer to him before taking a seat himself. “Sugar would be one thing, but cream spoils rather quickly, and- Ah!”

Bilbo blinked as Smaug turned his head to something on the floor. Curious, he tilted his head and immediately felt a little sick. Arthur was back, and two other rats were following him. Both the new rats looked rather gray, though one looked moreso than the other, and the one that wasn’t completely gray moved rather slowly and looked even plumper than Arthur.

“Caroyln! Douglas!” Smaug greeted happily. “Glad you could join us! This is Bilbo the Hobbit! He’s a friend to dwarves, and he’s a guest!”

The new rats just sniffed in his general direction before sending Smaug a pointed look. Smaug rolled his eyes before taking a biscuit and breaking off a few sizeable chunks and throwing them on the ground, causing all three rats to converge and grab what bits they could, devouring them greedily.

“I should’ve known they’d be more interested in food…” Smaug muttered. “Even though they probably find plenty on their own, running about.”

“Excuse me,” Bilbo cut in. “But… how did you know that I was a friend to dwarves?”

Smaug blushed again before pointing at his nose. “Smell.” He explained quickly. “Not that… You don’t smell _bad_ , obviously, but… Well, it’s easy to pick up.”

Speaking of dwarves, and Bilbo’s company, the hobbit decided to press for answers. “So, Mister Smaug-.”

“Oh, Smaug is just fine.” 

“Ah, right.” Bilbo muttered as he took a sip of tea, which really wasn’t all that bad. “Well, I was wondering… How did you come about here? How did all this happen?”

Smaug’s lips thinned, and he nodded sharply. “I can understand your curiosity. And I did promise to explain myself.” He said, shifting in his seat a little. “Well, it started quite a long time ago, when I was running away.”

“Running away?”

“Well, yes. My family, you see… They were all proper dragons. Hoarding mounds of treasure, eating people and livestock, so on and so forth.” Smaug continued, waving it off. “I was… The odd one. I never liked gold, and some people were actually quite nice… When they weren’t… screaming or begging for their lives… I didn’t _want_ any of that. I just wanted to _fly_!”

Smaug then grew rather wistful. “I’ve always loved flying. As soon as my wings could carry me, I was off. Barely touching the ground unless I really had to. I was even thinking of offering myself to people. Elves, humans, dwarves… You name it. To help take them places. Show them the world! It really is an amazing place, and I wanted to share that with people!” He spoke, sounding incredibly passionate. He paused, and his happy face faded. “They… They didn’t like that. They sent me away, told me never to come back unless I became a proper dragon.”

“That’s rather… harsh…” Bilbo muttered, quite at a loss of words for Smaug. “But… how did you wind up here?”

Smaug fidgeted some more. “I had been running for ages.” He explained. “Never being able to stay in one place for long, for multiple reasons. I… It was hard for me to find food, to feed myself properly. I kept getting chased away. Even like this, I was chased off. Hunted. They thought that I was some sort of… _witch_ , or something. When I was close to Erebor, I was weak and tired. Then… I got… well, I was injured.”

One of the rats squeaked loudly at him, causing Smaug to sputter and glare at one of the gray rats. “Douglas! That’s not what happened at all!” He snapped, and then there were more squeaks. “I don’t care! Your great, great, great grandfather always stretched the truth so far it would be close to tearing! You know this!”

The other rats chittered in amusement, and Bilbo felt rather flummoxed. He was currently witnessing a man have a conversation with _rats_ , after all.

Smaug then huffed, waving his hands at the rats before curling over the table slightly. “Alright! Fine!” He cried, voice cracking as his face began to match his red hair. “I… Some _goslings_ flew into my face! It sounds… ridiculous, I know, but they got in my _eyes_! It really hurt!”

Bilbo blinked. “Goslings? Geese?” He replied dumbly. “They caused all this?”

“Well, do you like it when something flies into _your_ eyes?” Smaug replied, voice rising rapidly in pitch, and Bilbo had to agree: he rather hated that sensation. “Well, there. I even have a scar-! _Douglas, shut up!_ Your grandfather wasn’t even alive then!”

Bilbo leaned in a little to try and see, and it was true: there were small scars around at least one of his eyes, from what the hobbit could see. But it was strange. He thought that dragon scales were far too tough to be damaged by mere poultry, but then again, he did say he was weak when it happened…

“Anyway, I was in pain, and I was panicking, and-!” Smaug continued, cutting himself off, face a grim line. “And I was _screaming_ in pain! And when I’m in… It’s hard to control my…”

Smaug gestured with his hands, opening his mouth, and Bilbo figured he was talking about his fire-breathing abilities.

“I crashed not too long after I got hit…” Smaug continued, seeming rather distraught. “I don’t remember much after that, for I hit my head in the process. And when I woke up, there was so much _damage_ -! And the… the bodies…”

Smaug blinked rapidly, and Bilbo had reached across the table for one of his hands before he could stop himself. Smaug gripped back, sniffling loudly.

“I did what I could to lay them to rest, in my state.” Smaug continued. “It… It wasn’t hard to piece together what I had done… So… So I stayed. Here. To keep watch over the mountain, scaring off anyone who tried to claim it as theirs. Orcs and the like. I stayed to wait for the return of the dwarves. To give it back.

“I tried to tell the humans, so that… maybe… they could pass it on… But they were frightened. Tried to kill me. Eventually I just… stopped trying. That was when the offerings started coming. At first, they tried to give me their virgins, but I did what I could to make them stop doing _that_. Told them to leave. To go home, if they could. If they couldn’t, I told them to start a new life, because… because I didn’t want to take theirs.”

Bilbo watched Smaug, seeing the darkness in his eyes. The sadness. The loneliness. Though he had heard that dragons could easily trick people, he couldn’t help but notice how open and honest Smaug was. And even if Bilbo had doubted Smaug’s words, the state of the mountain, and the way he treated the smallest of creatures, seemed to tell him enough that Smaug was speaking the truth.

“But now you’re here. And the dwarves are outside!” Smaug spoke up, snapping Bilbo out of his thoughts. “I can give them back the mountain! Their home! And I can’t thank you enough for that, Bilbo the hobbit!”

Bilbo felt his heart clench, for he knew it wasn’t that simple. “Listen, Smaug…” He murmured, biting his lip when Smaug looked at him. So hopeful and innocent, it was almost absurd. “They…. You have to know that they don’t see it as an accident. They think you came here to hoard their mountain and the treasure inside. They didn’t see a dragon in pain, all those years ago. They saw a dragon hungry for gold. They… They’re going to want revenge.”

Smaug paled a little. “But…” He murmured. “But if I explain… Tell them the truth…!”

“They might not believe you, Smaug, and that’s what worries me.” Bilbo cut in forcefully. “Thorin, especially. He’s their king… the one who lead us here. He’s like any dwarf: stubborn and unchanging. Even when he’s wrong, he thinks he’s right. And he wants revenge for his people!”

“But I didn’t mean to do it!” Smaug cried, standing up and pacing. “I didn’t do this on purpose! I never wanted to come here! I never wanted to hurt anyone!”

He paused and looked at Bilbo, eyes bright and earnest. “I _mourned_ these people, Bilbo!” He cried. “As I laid them to rest, I cried and mourned them! Dorgol, Douglas’s ancestor, he was my only comfort, then! All these small creatures were the only ones who could comfort me! I have stayed here, guarding their treasure, and now you say they want to _kill_ me!”

“Not if they don’t know…” Bilbo murmured, causing Smaug to pause.

“What?”

“They don’t have to know!” Bilbo stated more firmly, standing himself. “Smaug, how long can you stay in this form?”

Smaug sniffled, looking uncertain. “Ah… As long as I wish, really.” He answered. “Unless I get sick, or…”

“Then stay like this.” Bilbo cut in earnestly. “If we bring you to the dwarves, they won’t hurt you if you’re like this! You won’t have to die, and the dwarves will have their mountain back!”

“But if they truly want me dead, Bilbo…” Smaug murmured. “As soon as I tell them my name, they’ll finish me off!”

“We’ll give you a different name, then.” Bilbo explained. “We just need a story. Something to tell the dwarves and the residents of Lake Town.”

“Bilbo…” Smaug murmured as the hobbit pondered. “Are you sure you want to do all this…? Maybe… Maybe I should just… just _tell_ them! Let them decide what to do…”

Smaug then looked at the ground. “Maybe I do deserve to _die_ -.”

“No.” Bilbo scolded, walking over and clutching Smaug’s trembling hands in his. “No one deserves death if they didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I did!” Smaug retorted. “I killed people! _Hundreds_ of innocent lives were _ended_ because-!”

“Because you were hurt and disoriented!” Bilbo cut in. “If what you say is true, then you are innocent of any crime! Just a victim of circumstance!”

“Can’t I just tell them that?” Smaug hissed earnestly. “Tell them what happened. Make them try to understand-!”

“You said yourself you tried to do just that with the residents of Lake Town.” Bilbo said, recalling what the man told him. “My company… My friends… As soon as you tell them your true identity, they will not give you a chance. They’ll do what they can to kill you. I can try to defend you, but…”

Bilbo then stepped back, holding out his hands. “I don’t think I could do much…”

Smaug frowned. “If I do… Do what you say…” He replied. “Will you promise to help me?”

“Of course!” Bilbo replied earnestly. “And if they do find out, I will do what I can to protect you… I believe you, Smaug. I do. No heartless beast would mourn the deaths of many. Wouldn’t care and befriend even the smallest of creatures.”

Smaug stared at Bilbo for what seemed like an age before nodding stiffly and getting down on his knees.

“Then I give you my word, Bilbo the hobbit,” He replied, hands on Bilbo’s shoulders. “To protect and guard you. It’s dangerous here, and orcs are never too far. You have my word that I will keep you safe. Where you go, I go.”

Bilbo nodded, trying his best to smile as brightly as he could at the man. “I hold you to your oath, then, friend.”

Something in Smaug’s eyes lit up and he beamed. “Friend...”

Bilbo then patted Smaug’s hands and urged him up. “Come along, then. I’m sure my friends are worried. As we go, we’ll work on our stories. Alright?”

“Very well.” Smaug replied. “Just… please don’t pick a ridiculous name for me, alright? Douglas will never let me live it down.”

“I’ll do my best.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You just know things are going to go to pot.

**Author's Note:**

> Yep. I made them rats. Go figure.
> 
> And I may or may not be thinking of a pairing for this. Probably not, but you never know.
> 
> Tumblr: omgaidawtf.tumblr.com


End file.
